June 21, 2008 at 10:13 am
For weeks…
For weeks, all I could do was lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. I stopped eating, I stopped taking a shower, I stopped changing clothes. I didn’t pay my bills. I had believed this man, I was totally in love with him and believed in him.
I drove 17 hours to spend a weekend with him at the beach and then drove for 17 hours back home, thinking I had just spent 3 wonderful days and nights with the love of my life. After almost 2 years, I really believed he was the one.
But he took everything away when he said ‘By the way, I wasn’t in love with you. I never felt the same way you did. I have nothing good left to remember, because apparently everything was based on a lie.
I have this dream over and over, in which he and I are talking, and words from all our emails are printed across the dream, and we’re laughing and telling each other things from our deepest hearts, and scenes from our weekend together are playing like a movie, and I can actually feel his kisses all over again and then suddenly the words ‘I WASN’T IN LOVE WITH YOU’ are stamped across the dream, entirely obscuring all the happy things.
I can’t see past those words, and I wake up crying every single time. Despite everything he had been telling me for almost 2 years despite everything he told me that weekend, when he was whispering my name as his hands touched me and his lips kissed mine, he didn’t love me.
